Easter reflection – Lent, Bach and the journey continues

(I wrote this back in May 2007)

Pentecost has come and gone, yet the ghost of Lent continues to cast a shadow over me.

This past Lent season has been particularly trying. As my understanding of Lent grew I become more intentional in denying certain part of my life in obedient. However, it has been harder and harder.

(Aside: Lent is marked by a time of prayer and preparation to celebrate Easter. As a personal journey my understanding is to reflect and seek to improve more of your life in obedience. If you take up a certain area one year and another the next year, then you certainly will be on you way to obedience if not sainthood.)

There were two specific areas that I identified as problematic and I prayed to improve them.

First it was my tendency to worry. Once I start worrying I would pursuit a path that eventually will lead to my believing that nothing can be done about it or I could have done something and did not. The eventual consequence is always a bout of depressing feelings that leads no where. A few months ago my “wiffie” dearest quitted her job and we lost a significant part of our income. I worried over how she would make good use of this opportunity and I worried over our financial situation. My mommy dearest has shown real sign of aging (she is almost 80 now), many little aches and pains and generally getting tired easily. I am not sure how to help her and I feel deeply her struggle in the aging process. She used to be so active now she has to curb many of her activities. 

Then there was my tendency to indulge myself. I often thought after a hard day of work I deserve something. Sometime I binge on candies while other time there are vices I would rather not mention. I told myself I need to stop I need to control. 

I discovered my worry is not leaving me. I also have no intention to give up my vices. Amidst all this I find myself very distressed over what I cannot let go. I cannot even decide to let go. As if there is a force inside me that is saying to me, “To heck with obedience”.  

So to sum it up my Lent has result in showing me that I am not ready to let go. My commitment is conditional and after all these years of professing Christ as my Lord and this is where I am. This is very depressing.

There were a bit of redemption on Good Friday.

I went to our church Good Friday music worship reluctantly. I said reluctantly not because I did not want to participate in the act of remembrance; it was the how that caused the resistant. Firstly, I do not like the idea of having communion on Good Friday. Communion is about the resurrection so it is just not appropriate before Easter. I also do not like the fact that so much emphasis has been put on the music. I asked where the message was. Of course it was in the music. I was not convinced. Interestingly it was music that bought me redemption. My good friend played during the communion. He had chosen to play a transcription of prelude of Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 in G. I had always loved this piece of music. It bought to me so much particularly played by my friend whom shared my passion for Bach’s music and in fact was one of the common interest upon which our friendship developed. The music ascended chromatically for more than an octave. I was taken above and beyond. I was reminded many past events that ware part of this ascending journey. It was a slow climb or even a crawl at times. The message was clear: keep the course despite the hardship, it is the right course. I saw at the same time the direction and the obstacles.

Now, many weeks later as I was writing this I know that was not just a passing feeling. Now I am experiencing the direction and the obstacles. So the journey continues.


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