Is dissatisfaction disobedient? – Insufficiency of everything attainable

(This was written back in June 2007)

Last week I got a call from a friend who told me he is moving to HK to start a new internet venture. (I cannot tell you what it is because it involves trade confidentiality) This week I found out another friend is moving to Beijing to work. Another friend got an offer to go to Beijing and work with the Olympic preparation. Another friend in is UK traveling and working. Another friend dropped by earlier and she is stationed in Shanghai. All of a sudden it seems everyone is having exciting adventures while I am here just making a living. I feel trapped by obligation, my inadequacy and maybe lack of opportunities. Sometime I wish I can get into some really exciting line of work and just flow with it for a while.  On the other hand I want to have a monastic life of just prayer and study. Two extreme desires live within the single soul of mine.

Why am I here? I do have an exciting adventure of mind. I do have many things to explore. I guess that is what temptation is. You are tempted to look outside. Every time you look, everyone is having a good time while I am here trying to find God. 

Really there are two central questions. Firstly, what is you vocation? If your vocation is to stay put then all temptations should yield to the calling. You have a very good reason to fight. You may not win but you have a mandate to fight. If you do not even sense a calling you will not even fight. Secondly, what is reality? Is not the adventure inside as real as the adventure outside? For someone younger the reality outside is certainly more real but for someone older the adventure inside is often just as real. If you see reality as spiritually oriented what would all the experiences meant to you without reflection.  

I am not exactly happy because I do not know my calling and I am not convinced of the reality that I am in.

Remind me of the quote from Karl Rahner, “In the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable we come to understand that here, in this life, all symphonies remain unfinished.”


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